Tom,

Yes, I intend to play this season. Now that I'm off MSL, I expect to return to Cat-1 status. But hey, I'm a starter even when I'm on the bench!

I shall continue to refuse all co/field/manager headaches unless and until my personal co-manager, Web Mistress Donna, returns. Good luck with that...

Now, if we can just restrict Keizo's bobbling to the head, and not to the objects of the game!

Keith Martin

Keith,

Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm still retired from playing softball. I miss the people but not the game. I do, however, still enjoy taking care of the website and keeping up with the Goats prowess. If I get a chance, maybe I'll try and come out and see a game.

Glad to hear you will be back playing full-time. I look forward to reading about you in the write-ups.

Hey TOM - get Keith to do the write-ups. They are always very funny.

Donna

All Goat Scouts old and new,

Attached is the liability waiver form I need from each of you. I need to get that and $20/player prior to/at the first game. Our first game is during the week of 4/21. The schedule has not yet been released, but once I get it I will pass it along. Dave and I will schedule a practice or two in the week(s) before the first game.

Make sure you find your mitt and swing before the first outing!

Please print out, sign and send me the form along with $20. My mail stop is 264-850 and my office is 264-874.

Go Goats!

Tom

Tom,

Welcome to Pretzel Logic 101.

Premise 1: I am a Goat.
Premise 2: I am a blond.
Conclusion: Therefore, I am confused.

According to your second paragraph, are we now playing Aussie Rules Softball? Swing my mitt??? I've been doing it wrong all these years?? Or do I have to buy a swing, or an entire swing set, before I can practice? Just what are you teaching the rookies these days?

You will get my "thank you sir, may I have another" annual Goat greens fee in small, unmarked, and unchewed bills - probably pennies.

P.S. My spies in Colorado place you in a hotel hot tub with a "mystery" woman. How much are you willing to pay to keep this out of the local press? No wonder you bailed on MSAP... (It's good to be Goat Manager! Or, at least, you can keep telling yourself that.) ... Or did Mr. Herman cook up this Election Year Scandal in order to take the reins?

Keith

Keith,

1. Hot Tub "mystery Woman" was Pam. Sorry no scandal here or in Denver. See I had to go onto GRAIL just to get to see my wife who now travels to Dnever weekly. Have your spies check for "mystery man" in the future! - BTW I know the name of the spy, Nikita - You are not safe as a double agent. Eli the man has betrayed you!

2. You need English lessons in parsing sentence structure. Your pretzel logic is tangled up. You should find your mitt. You should find your swing. You should use these prior to the first game. See Keith swing. See Keith run. See Keith have heart attack if not in shape!

Oh good golly. Donna, can I quit yet!

Tom H. - Chief Goat Herder

Goat Herders (AKA H-Men),

The other CC on this email [Eli McMahon] represents a potential Goat Rookie for the 2008 Season. If he doesn't make the Rookie squad, he'll easily achieve a Wookie classification.

Despite being a rabid Yankee fan, he is definitely Goat material. He comes at a good price, he's rabid (as I already mentioned), and we don't have to train him to eat grass.

I have forwarded Mr. Herman's recent emails to him, so fines are in order should he miss tomorrow's practice.

And by the way, he may start the season on the DL since he has already demonstrated Keizo's midseason form! (Throwing hand - too late for stitches.)

Go Goats! (Keith)

Sounds good to me!

I really hope he makes it tomorrow. It might be a rough on his wallet for him to pay the 'missing practice' fine on top of the 'new guy buys the rounds at the local cantina after the game' fee. Once we get his waiver, we'll run a credit check on him...

Dave

Eli,

I hope you brought your mitt and plan to show up tonight. If we do get on a field, you could maybe at least be the catcher for infield/outfield practice...

Keith

Dude,

I am so bummed. I really wanted to be there, but my boys have soccer registration. In the future they will be playing on Wednesdays. I noticed that we have several games on Wednesday. I may be able to convince Abbie that I don't need to be at all of their games, but it is tough for her to manage all four kids.

Do you know when the next practice will be? I definitely need to remove some rust!

~Eli

Dude,

I hear the Ka-ching of the Goat coffers growing exponentially as your diamond greens woes begin...

Sorry, this appears to be the ONLY practice prior to the season.

No doubt there will be many volunteers to BEAT the rust off of you! Perhaps a small, weekly, "protection" fee, paid directly to me, will be desired?

Keith

Pro athletes often use ghost writers to capture their memoirs - we always use Goat writers to recount the events of the game. If you think you could be the next Jim Murray, then send Tom, Dave, and Donna your input after the game. If you have a good crystal ball, you could send in your comments before the game.

We could also use player biographies for the Press Guide.

Go Goats!

Keith

Goats,

As Keith Martin says: "It's time to lick the toads"

While Keith may have strange tastes in gastronomic adventures (or psychedelic ones), he might be referring to our game tomorrow Vs. Voodoo Toad Fury. We will be playing them at the South field. Come out to see how (What?) Keith does to "lick the toads".

Please Let me and Dave know if you will be able to make the game.

Tom

We haven't been doing as well as we would like this season and I sense an ominous wrath building in our herd.

The fury of the Goats shall be unleashed upon the Eclectic Eccentrics this Wednesday on the South field of Hahamonga. They shall be our grass!!! We shall gnaw them to nubs!!

Please let me know if you will be participating in the carnage (vegetage???).

Dave

Mr. Herman,

Are you a Goat Whisperer? How do you sense the Coming Storm?

Like the Evil Genius in Time Bandits, I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Dave. And yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!

Or, like Hedley Lamarr in Blazing Saddles, my mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

Let's do it!!!!!! (Animal House.)

But Dave ... the call for rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull *s, train robbers, bank robbers, *-kickers, *-kickers and Methodists should have gone out last week for the TOADS - or later for the Homers or Titans.

And like Jane in Coupling, I'm bi-vegetarian, so I'll be there either way.

Keith