Photo by Sandy Huffaker - Getty Images, LA Times July 19, 2003
March 21, 2003 (9:22 am)
Donna Bonorris - "Please stop by and pay $15 before Monday, March 24, 2003, to one of the following:"
"NEED $$$ before we are officially a team... So, far 13 paid GOATS..."
GO GOATS!!! -- Donna Web Mistress
March 21, 2003 (9:31 am)
Wayne Zimmerman - "I thought this was covered under my contractual guidelines-----hmmmm, I guess not. I guess I can float the franchise a loan until contract negotiations are finally closed. I'll be over around lunch---by the way, my agent says that it is standard to charge 50% interest or at least a free lunch when a "top" player floats a loan to the manager."
Mr. Z---The Glove
April 3, 2003 (8:01 am)
Donna Bonorris - "Attention GOAT SCOUTS!"
"It's time to get the gloves and bats out of moth balls and start getting in shape for the 2003 C-League Season. I expect our first game to be the week of April 21 and will forward the schedule as soon as it is available."
"In the meantime, Keith and I have set up practices for Wednesday, April 9 and April 16 at 5:00 pm (or earlier) on H3 (map attached)."
"Please respond to me by noon on Wednesday, April 9, if you will be able to make it."
Hope to see you then. -- Donna Web Mistress
April 3, 2003 (8:29 am)
Tom Hoffman - "I am in great shape and feel insulted that you are implying that I need to train for the upcoming softball season. This is just softball. I have been in a rigorous exercise and diet program for several months. In fact I am in the best shape of my life! I am beginning to very closely resemble a softball so that I can become "one with the ball". My diet of donuts, Twinkies, and Cheetos have gotten me fully ready for the season. I will even bring some donuts to the practice if you want. I know some people like to put these on their bats to warm up. Personally I like to eat them! I feel that I should be in the cleanup position since I will be able to eat all of extra Doritos this year. Hey are we going out to dinner after practice, I'm hungry!"
Tom
May 29, 2003 (1:29 pm)
Donna Bonorris - "I guess I should have waited a little longer before sending out the reminder for next weeks game. Charlie has rescheduled us for next Thursday on H2 vs LA Radars (the team we should have played tonight)."
"SO -- THIS IS CORRECT NOW!!!"
"Next Game -Thursday, June 5, 2003 on H2 vs LA Radars at 5:15 pm. Please let me know if you will be playing by end of day Wednesday, June 4, 2003. We are the home team."
May 29, 2003 (2:26 pm)
Wayne Zimmerman - "So we would have had 2 games back to back? Although my current contract states that I should be paid extra for back-to-back games, since the Wed game is cancelled I will overlook this scheduling issue this time and plan on playing Thursday. You don't have to worry about hearing from my agent."
June 4, 2003 (8:52 am)
Wayne Zimmerman responding to reminder for tomorrow's game - "I know this violates my contract and may place my position on the squad in jeopardy, but its still finals time for my daughter and her math final is Friday. So, we will have to crunch math Thursday evening which means that I will have to reneg on my original commitment to you to play. However, I will make it up to you and the team by setting aside some guilt time before the next game----I feel better already. In my place I would recommend Bryan who, although exhibiting some fundamental fielding weaknesses in the last game, still shows considerable promise."
WZ "the Glove"
August 25, 2003
September 5, 2003, 8:05 am
Lloyd of Keith,
Now that you are returned from your latest journeys afar, I wish to restore to your sight and touch the fine instrument known to all as Wonder Boy - the One Bat to smash them all.
Fear not. The G'Wayne of Z did not obtain your Precious. Nor did the delusional Keizo of Ishikawa, also known as Tautemall. Taught them all he knows - it is a pity he doesn't know more than not much... Perhaps, in your Gollum-mania Madness, you now call out for It as Sting, or even Elendil; I do not know the depths to which you despair.
But be assured, it is the One True Bat you left in my charge for safekeeping. In our last battle, it sang as it sliced through the crisp late-summer air, and it glowed in the presence of the underhanded White Orbs of the Cadets.
We shall have many songs to sing of the glorious battles on the green grassy fields of the Arroyo Seco.
Let me know when you have steeled yourself for the return of your Precious, the One Bat of Power.
King Keither of Knowitalland
September 5, 2003, 3:47 pm
King Keither of Knowitalland and stealer of last names,
I have girded my loins and am ready to accept the return of the Precious. Even though the Z and Tautemal have not succeeded in kidnapping the Precious, their bad Karma has put a collective POX on it. Their stares of greed and envy were clearly aimed at those who were Regal enough to fondle the Precious and use it to mightily smite the orbs of their enemies.
This POX must be eradicated and the Precious purified, else the Gollum-mania Madness will grow uncontrollable and the virtues of the Precious will be eternally vilified and it will smite the orbs only as a sissy stick. The cleansing of the One True Bat must be completed prior to the transition back to it's rightful caretaker. On the appointed Holy Day of the 13th, it must be purified with liquids, surrounded by sand, and plunged mightily into the great water to return it to it's pristine, pre-pox presence.
Only then will the Precious be able to strike true the white orbs in it's Holy crusade to banish all who would doubt it's power and might. Then and only then will we be free to sing of our victories. I revere you for keeping the Wonder Boy by your side and protecting all innocents in this land from being terrified by it's awesome power.
Lloyd of Keith - user of first names
September 8, 2003, 8:41 am
Lloyd of Keith - user of first names and King Keither of Knowitalland and stealer of last names,
As I reign over King Keither of Knowitalland and stealer of last names, it is thy sworn duty to imbue bad Karma to all who fondled the Precious. Therefore, the Precious will ne'r be pure, ne'r be virginous. For as long as there are men the Precious will n'er go untouched.
Sullum Ruler of Kings and Hoister of Chastity Belts, anon
September 9, 2003, 8:26 am
Sumi Martin - Challenger of Lawyers and Hoister of Chastity Belts,
King Keither of Knowitalland and stealer of last names is a true warrior and willingly giveth blood and scabs at our battles. He has obviously been seduced by your charms and is thus easily whipped with the keys to thine own belt. His strength outside your presence speaks mightily of your power to hold sway over him. Your lack of concern as you challenge shysters and Lawyers only magnifies your esteem.
The Precious will be oft touched as long as there are men. The need to be touched is strong within the Precious and it is not complete without the touch of a man or woman to fill it's hollow void and warm it's supple skin. Once touched, The Precious only longs for more - and must be protected from evils such as the Z and Tautemal who would seduce it and use it for kissing orbs (instead of smiting them) and other truly vile acts. It is safe only in its chastity belt in my chariot and is only freed when there are many to watch over and protect it.
The Precious willingly gives itself to all who would have it and thusly must be protected. Once infected with a POX from the unclean, a ritual purification is required. It must then be once again locked in its chastity belt until the fertility rites of Spring bring our blood to a boil and require the cleansed Precious to be sullied and used to once again mightily smite the white orbs of our common enemies.
Till once again we discourse,
Lloyd of Keith - user of first names